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Sunday, April 5, 2015

Deciduous

Soon we part for a season's breath, as your leaves spiral to the ground. Sunlight flickers through their orange and red hues, dimming and fading as they move in and out of the shade. Branches begin bare their need to slumber as foliage lays a warm blanket for the seedlings sprouting in the distant spring, the promise of new relationships beyond ours. The last invigoration of our life shared departs home as each leaf snaps from its corked stem, you tell me of the cold winter ahead. So I say to you, "Sleep gently my large friend."



So I received back some feedback regarding this poem.  It was pointed out that the first draft didn't connect until the end.  I try to address that issue above.

Leaves spiral to the ground.  Sunlight flickers through their orange and red hues dimming and fading as they move in and out of the shade.  Branches bare their need to slumber as foliage lays a warm blanket for the seedlings sprouting in the distant spring.  The last invigoration of life departs home as each leaf snaps from its corked stem.  The trees way of telling of the cold winter ahead.  So I say to you, "Sleep gently my large friend."

4 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you Bekkie. I have revised this so if you get a chance to read the revision please let me know what you think.

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  2. This is good descriptive work for you. Both versions have good work in them. I love the 2nd line of the rewrite. This is exactly what falling autumn leaves look like in the sun and the shade of the forest. Well done. I wouldn't change a word of that line. The third and fourth lines have some good descriptive passages in them but their order and length are not making the story line clear to me. As far as colorful words, if a descriptive word/passage makes something clearer keep it, if it doesn't or slows/confuses the story line let it go. I would do an exercise where you map out your story line step for step and then see where your phrases go to tell that story. What do you still need to stay/describe to tell the complete story? If what you written that isn't needed take it out but save it (note that sometimes a phrasing that isn't working now will work when other material is added) This is an excellent start and something worth working to your satisfaction. Some of my pieces have 20 to 30 versions before I feel they are complete. And the best poem I ever wrote started from something that I was trying to say that wasn't working and with additions and pruning, over a year became something that I didn't even know I wanted to say. I have a few questions as the reader. The relationship you are describing as the fall season is this something that has ended? Is it with a person who has left or passed? The last line makes me think the person may have passed. As an example: "Soon we part for a season's breath" The word "breath" to me says that you will see each other again. The word "soon" suggest some sort of time line something you are expecting to happen. If neither is the case you might say something like "So now the Season ends" or "Soon the Season Ends". It is all about exactly what you want the story to be. Now about purple writing, you can overdo descriptive passages, however it is all about the picture you are trying to paint. And remember there are many shades of purple. It is even part of the color black. Different people like different colors. It is about the making the story complete no more or less. I hope I haven't gone on to long but I think there is really something special in this piece. Keep at it.

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    Replies
    1. I wanted to reply to this right now because I really appreciate the time you have taken to provide this comment. I will edit this when I have time to sit down and take a look at this poem again.

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